So damn... damn... wet.
Pansy. Pansy, look at me.
- Yes, Vincent? - Do you love me?
- Of course, I love you. - You don't mind the, the thing on the end of my nose?
- Oh, you mean your... No, darling. - Yes, my...
Don't be silly.
Could you share a house with a chap who has a thing like this on the end of his nose?
Of course, my love. Everyone has something odd about them.
- Why, I've got an enormous... - Pansy!
Pansy, I'm so glad you feel the way you do.
Because now I can ask you what I've always wanted to ask you.
Oh, ask me.
Ask me!
Pansy, will you...
Will you...
Where the hell are we?
Someone hit me! Oh!
Pansy! Pansy!
Give me that!
You've ruined everything! Pansy! Pansy, I can explain!
It's only the thing on my nose and the hairpiece! Everything else is fine!
Fidgit, you're not supposed to eat that.
- You're supposed to drink it. - I like that. It's very nice.
Oh.
Six more plates of caviar, please.
Anyone else want any?
No, none for me, thank you. I'll stick with the quail's eyeballs.
The caviar makes me throw up, you know.
- Waiter. - Sorry, Randall. Sorry.
Cheer up, Kevin. Kings aren't the only ones with money, you know.
The money wasn't important to him.
He didn't have anything to spend it on, did he?
Stuck out in Greece... lowest standard of living in Europe.
You make me sick!
What? Things are looking better all the time.
- I've got something to say to you. - Go away!
It's about the map.
The map? I don't understand you, Randall.
You've got something really brilliant like that,
and you're just wasting it.
I wouldn't call this exactly... wasting it.
Why couldn't you leave me where I was happy?
Because when you hear what I've got planned,
you're gonna be a lot happier.
I was havin' a close look at the map last night. Do you know what I found?
Og was right. The most fabulous object in the world.
It does exist.
Look.
- The time of legends... - The time of legends! There's no such thing.
But there is. You just gotta believe in it.
Otherwise, Horseflesh wouldn't have put it on the map.
"In the middle of the time of legends is a fortress of ultimate darkness,
and inside the fortress of ultimate darkness,
the most fabulous object in the world."
Give it up, Randall.
Look.
You and me... we got a lot in common.
Not like that Og.
We like a risk.
We like adventure.
Well, this is it.
This is the big one.
No namby-pamby time holes here.
We risk all. We win everything.
Waiter, more champagne.
Yes, sir.
And plenty of ice.
Hello!
I want to go home! I can't stand it!
You'll get us all killed, Randall!
Stop whimpering, Fidgit!
How could I know we were gonna run slap-bang into an iceberg?
It didn't say "Get off before the iceberg" on the ticket.
Now... Now is the time...
to star... to start our quest for the... for the most fabulous object, Randall.
- Og's right! I've got the map. - No!
- Let's go! - What?
Randall, we are in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean!
It doesn't matter where we are. You just gotta believe in it!
You're crazy!
- We must try! - No, don't!
- Abandon plank! - No!
I can't swim! I can't swim!
Help! Help!
- Don't worry, Fidgit! I'm coming! - Help!
Help!
- Now we have them! - Oh, well done. Well done, master.
Suddenly, I feel... very, very good.
- I'm sorry, master. - It'll pass. It'll pass.
- Shall I bring them in, master? - Yes, Benson.
Bring them into the time of legends.
Hey! Hey, I can swim!
Look.
Look!
Morning, dear.
Ooh!
- Help! - Who's that?
- What, dear? - Thought I heard a noise.
No. It's your nerves, dear.
Here we are, darling.
Come on.
And the ointment for the leg.
I grew too fast when I was young.
- That was the problem. - You've been overdoing it a bit, dear.
You try being beastly and terrifying when you...
you can only get one hour's sleep a night because your back hurts,
and you daren't cough in case you pull a muscle.
But you are horrible, dear.
You're just sayin' that.
And gargle.
Come on, now. There's a good fellow.
- What's that? - I don't know.
Wait for me!
Look at these bloody spots.
That's diet, that is.
- You'll outgrow them, dear. - Look at all this bloody fish!
There used to be a time when you could be sure...
of catchin' old boots, cans,
hatracks, boxes.
Now it's prawns all the bloody time!
Anti-pollution! Wife!
What d'you want, dear? Do you want the foot powder?
No! Come out here and help me!
- Quick! - Dear.
- What's in there? - I don't know, but it's not prawns.
Here.
Here, dear. Leave that to me, please.
- Yeah.
Aren't they lovely? We can have them for breakfast.
Ah, you mean eat their boots?
No, dear. I mean, eat all of them.
Every little bit.
That means the big pot and the large skewers.
What shall I do, dear?
Terrify them.
Oh, but what about me back?
Well, you don't have to jump around.
Just shout horribly...
and leer at them.
You know, the way you used to.
Right.
Oh, I'm so happy 'cause I'm bus-bus-bus-busy.
Right.
Go away!
Let's see. What have we here?
Some tasty little morsels, eh?
Help! Get off!
Hey! Put me down! Put me down!
Put me down!
Yes, it's wonderful to be making a fondue again
Be quiet!
D-D-Does your back hurt?
- Huh? - I know a cure for bad backs.
Bad back? Me? An ogre?
- W-What you need i-is stretching. - Stretching?
To be melting the cheese in the southerly breeze
To be sharpening the skewer again
Heave!
That's better!
That's wonderful!
Heave again!
Are they in the pot, dear?
Yeah. Just about.
And one more for luck. Heave!
- Two, three, left, right, left, right! - Hey, what's going on?
Left, right!
Are you all right, dear?
- Oh! Quick! Into the pot! - Yeah!
Winston?
Winston!
Is this part of the cure?
Winston.
What are you doing in the water, dear?
Oh, my back is wonderful!
You've got to stop them, Winston!
I can cough!
At last, I can really cough!
- Look out! - We're going! We're saved!
- Yes! To that side! Quick! - We're saved!
Catch all! Come on!
- Hold on! - Hold on tight, Wally!
How're we doing now, Randall?
Just fine.
We're on the right course.
As long as this wind keeps up, nothing can go wrong.
- Keep the rudder straight, Strutter. - It is straight!
All hands on the tiller!
- Quick! Drop the sail! - All right! Leave it to me!
One!
How about it? Eh?
I got it.
- That's it. - That's better. We're out of that.
Randall! Randall?
I think there's something that you should know.
Everybody below decks!
- Come on! Get in here! - Quick! Get in!
- What's going on? - You tell me.
Pull these boards out!
- You might sink the ship! - Oh, shut up!
- Here's a hammer! - That's it!
That's it! Now!
- Do it again! - Harder! Really hard!
Oh, stop him!
Drugs! Hey! I've got an idea!
Sleeping potion!
Strutter, take this!
Take the plug out!
Here!
Hey. Yeah!
- Hey. - Yeah.
- Do it! - And, heave!
Squeeze! Squeeze!
Hey! Oh!
Come on! Come!
Hey, what's out there?
Shh! Shh! Shh!
- Come on. Let's go. Run! Run! - Quick!
The Fortress of Ultimate Darkness is somewhere over there, I promise you!
Oh, you're joking, Randall. There's nothing over there!
Look! We're so close!
Y-You've been saying that for the last 40 miles!
Let's go back! We'll all die out here!
- Yeah! - You can't give up now.
- When can we give up? - Come on. It's just a big further...
What is it?
I don't know, but it hurts.
It's some kind of invisible barrier.
Oh! So that's what an invisible barrier looks like.
It's what this line must be.
And just on the other side,
the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness.
We've made it, lads! We're here!
You're mad, Randall!
Your brain's gone. Do you know that?
I promise you, this is it!
We are here!
- We're nowhere, Randall! - Yeah!
- Look around! There's nothing! - Yeah.
There's only one way to go now.
- That's right. Back! Come on. - Right!
- Come on. We're going back. - No! Listen!
- No! Stop! Stop! - No, you don't! Get out of the way!
- Listen to me! - Get out of the way!
You'll never get back without me.
Do you wanna bet?
- Wally, give that back. - Get out of the way, Randall.
You give that back, or I'll take your head off.
Randall! Don't do it!
We have found it!
Thank you.
Brilliant, Evil One.
- Is everything ready? - Yes, master.
Fantastic.
Amazing.
Magnificent.
Look.
- Move! - Get out of the road!
Yes, folks. Moderno Designs present the latest in kitchen luxury:
The Moderna Wonder Major All-Automatic Convenience Center-ette.
And here they are... the winners of the most fabulous object in the world.
The answer to all their problems and yours...
is here for them tonight!
- Chattering] - Hey!
- Don't go! Where are you going? - We found it!
Wait! You're mad!
Come back!
- Let's go get it! - Come on!
Here they come! So let's give 'em a big welcome!
Trevor, Diane... Oh, don't they look lovely!
Mom!
Dad!
Come on. Lead us in a big hand for the lucky winners!
Come back!
- It's a trap! - Fabulous.
Fabulous.
Here they are. Congratulations.
But before they collect their prize, let's just have a look at what made it possible...
for them to be here with us tonight.
The map, please.
Let us out!
Let us out! Come back!
I have the map! I have the map!
And the day after tomorrow,
the world!
Oh, no!
Rat, anybody? Might be the last meal you get.
No. Leave off!
- That's it, then. - It's all over.
We could've stayed at home making trees.
- Oh, shut up. - How could we have been so stupid?
I don't know.
Hey! Look, look! Quick! Come on! Look!
Look at this. Quickly!
- Look! - Good one of Wally.
No! Look!
It's the map!
I can see it's the map. What use is that to us now?
Look, closer. The time of legends, see?
See the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?
- That's a hole? - Exactly!
- It could lead almost anywhere. - Everywhere!
- What? - We just found the biggest hole in the universe,
and it's practically below our feet!
Kevin, you're a genius!
- Come on, you lot! Shift! - We'll never get out of here!
Wanna bet?
No!
That's right, Og. Show 'em we can do something right for a change.
That's it.
Let's have that.
Give us some more.
That's enough, Wally!
Okay, Strutter.
- Have you got the rope? - Hold on!
Right.
Hold tight! Keep straight!
- Watch your feet. Watch your feet. - Easy.
Hold it.
Steady. Watch it. Watch it.
Hold your fingers.
He's going!
- It's coming. - Go now.
Ready? And...
Again! Again!
- Ready, Wally! - Okay, Strutter.
Here we go! Geronimo!
Yeah!
Okay! Go, Strutter!
- Strutter! - Hey! We've made it!
Okay, Wally.
Take up the slack.
Quick, Wally.
Go!
Come on!
Go, Vermin!
- Go, Fidgit! - I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!
- I'm going! - Go!
Come on!
- Wally! - Come on, Wally!
Right, lads! Watch this!
Wally!
Pull the rope.
There he is!
- Wally! - Wally!
Pull him up! That's it!
- Well, we've done it. - Yeah, we've done it.
- Now all we need is the map. - What?
We don't need the map. We know where the time hole is. Let's get out of here.
- But Evil's got the map, Randall! - Oh, damn right, yes.
Last thing we want to do is see him again. Come on.
But you can't leave it with him, or he'll destroy the world!
Oh, Robert, Benson,
I feel the power of evil coursing through my veins,
filling every corner of my being with the desire to do wrong.
- I feel so bad, Benson. - Good! Good!
Yes, it is good, for this is the worst kind of badness that I'm feeling.
- Kill me, master! Kill me! - Not now, Benson. We have work to do.
No less a work than the overthrowing of creation itself.
We will remake man in our image, not His.
We will turn mountains into sea,
and the skies into rivers, and fjords into deserts.
- Come on! Come on! - And deserts into quagmires.
The boy's insane. We can't go in there.
Shh!
Oh!
- Let me see! - And icebergs into fire!
And the fire into a mighty rushing wind which will cover the face of the earth...
and wipe clean the scourge of woolly thinking once and for all.
We can make beans into peas!
Oh, Benson.
Dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.
- You say... such nice things, master. - Yes, I know. I'm sorry.
Now, Benson, I shall have to turn you into a dog for a while.
Thank you, master.
Stay, Benson. Guard the map.
Robert, we must plan a new world together.
This time we'll start it properly.
Tell me about computers.
Uh, a computer is an automatic electronic apparatus...
for making calculations.
Or controlling operations...
that are expressible...
in numerical or logical terms.
And fast breeder reactors?
Ah, fast breeder reactors...
use a fast fission process...
for the generation of fissile isotopes.
Be quiet, Benson!
Show me more, Robert.
Show me...
subscriber trunk dialing.
I must know everything.
Come on! Throw!
Throw it!
Stop!
Come on! Oh, no!
Let's get out of here!
Come on!
Stop them by every means in my power!
It's coming this way! Run for it!
I'm coming! I'm coming!
We're trapped.
- We've got to separate. - What?
Go down the time hole. Go wherever you can and get help.
- I'll divert them. - But you can't do it on your own.
No. I'll take one other.
Well done, Og.
Yes. Og and me'll stay. Ready?
Hey! Hey! This way!
You are a very troublesome little fellow.
I think I should teach you one of my special lessons.
What do you think, Robert?
Benson, what would look nice?
Half donkey?
Half warthog? Half oyster?
Half carrot?
- Or the diseased left tonsil...
Call off those, those creatures, or I'll destroy the map forever.
- Don't, don't be so stupid. - Call them off!
Very well. I have no need of them.
- Robert. - Yes, master?
Your time has come.
Oh, wonderful, master! Wonderful!
- Wonderful! - Don't mention it.
Benson.
I'm a reasonable man.
Give me the map,
and you might at least walk out of here on human feet.
Og!
No!
This way, men. Over there.
Wally!
- Where's the trouble, sonny? - Down there!
Aha!
So... this is the best...
the Supreme Being can do.
I guess we'll have a lynchin', eh? Yippee!
Wait!
Got him!
See, sonny? No problem.
Wait a minute! Wait!
Wait a minute! Oh! Oh! Hey!
Hold on! Hey! Hey!
- Let me go! - I don't feel so good!
Fire!
Look out!
Charge!
Strutter! Quick!
Strutter!
Next!
Get him!
Randall, go!
Go!
- I can't control it! - Of course you can't, you silly man.
I control them!
Hurry! Help me!
Get me down!
Stay where you are! Something's happening!
Get out of the way, Fidgit!
Get out of the way!
- Fidgit! - Hey! Hey, Fidgit!
Fidgit!
Quick! Push it off him! Push it off. Quick.
- He's dead. - What?
Fidgit's dead.
Oh, no. I'm sorry.
- It wasn't your fault, Wally. - It was, it was his fault.
- Get down, Wally! - Get down!
- Wally! Get down, Wally! - Evil!
Come on back!
Evil! He killed my friend!
I'll kill him! Get off me!
Get down!
I'll kill him!
Huh?
- Oh, no! - He's found us!
Quick! Ron for it!
Oh! I hate having to appear like that.
Really, it's the most tiresome way.
Noisy manifestation.
Still, rather expected of one, I suppose.
Get down! Get down!
O Great One! O Supreme Being!
O Creator of all the universe,
without whom we would be naught but scarab beetles on the...
What a dreadful mess! Is the pig with you?
Right. Well, we'll sort him out first.
Og!
- Og, here! Quick! Out of the way! - I was enjoying that.
One thing I can't stand, it's mess.
I want all this stuff picked up.
Yes, sir. Anything you say.
- Anything you say, sir. - Wally, tidy up!
But, but he's dead, Randall.
Fidgit, Fidgit's dead.
Dead? No excuse for laying off work.
- Fidgit. - Fidgit.
- Fidgit?
- What happened? - I'm sorry I killed you, Fidgit.
He's okay! He's okay!
Oh, do hurry up.
- Oh, yes, sir. - Yes, sir.
I'd like to explain everything.
We didn't mean to steal the map. We didn't mean to run away...
What do you mean, you didn't mean to steal the map?
- It, it just sort of... - Of course you didn't mean to steal it.
I gave it to you. You silly man. And that.
- Do you really think I didn't know? - Sir?
I had to have some way of testing my handiwork.
I think it turned out rather well.
- Don't you? - Hmm?
Evil turned out rather well. Mm-hmm.
Whose are these?
Mine, sir.
They're mine, sir.
You really are an untidy boy.
Sign... here.
Do you mean you knew what was happening to us all the time?
Well, of course. I am the Supreme Being.
- I'm not entirely dim. - Oh, no, sir.
We're not suggesting that, sir. It's just...
That I let you borrow my map.
Now I want every bit of Evil...
placed in here.
- Right away. - Of course, sir.
Come on.
You mean you let all those people die, just to test your creation?
Yes. You really are a clever boy.
Why did they have to die?
You might as well say, "Why do we have to have evil?"
Oh, we wouldn't dream of asking a question like that, sir.
Yes. Why do we have to have evil?
Ah.
- I think it's something to do with freewill.
Do be careful.
You weren't watching.
Don't lose any of that stuff. That's concentrated evil.
One drop of that could turn you all into hermit crabs.
I'm sorry, sir.
I, I was just wondering if there's, um,
any chance we might have our old jobs back, sir.
- Oh, you certainly were appallingly bad robbers. - Yes, sir.
I really should do something very extrovert and vengeful with you.
Honestly, I'm too tired.
But I think I'll just transfer you to the undergrowth department...
yes, bracken, small shrubs... that sort of thing...
with a 19% cut in salary backdated to the beginning of time.
- Thank you, sir. - Oh, thank you, sir.
Well, I am the nice one.
Is it all ready? Right!
Come on, then. Back to creation.
- I mustn't waste any more time. - Bye, Kevin.
They'll think I've lost control again and put it all down to evolution.
- Come on. - Sir?
- Yes? - What about my friend, sir? Can he come with us?
No, of course not. This isn't a school outing.
But, sir, he deserves something.
- I mean, without him... - Oh, don't go on about it.
- He's got to stay here to carry on the fight. - Fidgit!
Come on. Fidgit!
Hey! You can't go!
- Hey, you can't leave me! - Fidgit!
- Fidgit, come on! - Wait, please!
- Come on, Fidgit! - Hey! Stop!
Hey! Hey! Don't leave me!
Hey! Help! Stop!
Don't go! Help! Don't leave me!
Hey! Don't go! Stop!
Don't leave me! Please! Wait!
Don't leave me! Please!
Come on! Come on!
Let's go!
- Let go! I've got to save it! - Don't be a fool, Diane!
- I'm going in for the toaster! - No! No!
- Oh, Trevor! - Me super deluxe steamer!
Oh!
- You all right? - Yeah.
I think so.
You're a very lucky boy.
Honestly, Trevor. If you'd been half a man,
you'd have gone in there after the blender.
- This is what started it. - Eh?
Left the Sunday joint cookin' all night, didn't we?
Sunday joint? It's Thursday.
I never touched it!
Well, someone put it on.
Well, there was no meat in there last night.
Oh! Well, what do you call this then?
Mom! Dad!
It's Evil!
Don't touch it!
Mom?
Dad?
Edited By Tameem666
Midnight sunshine
Silence under sky is black as day
Only a dream away
Waking while you're still deep sleeping
Finding you're not here
Watchin' a dream appear
Tumbling through
A thousand centuries
You don't know where you'll land
It's so dark in mythology
Treasures of history
To be found
Within the legends of time
All the handiworks we made
Were only a dream away
Greedy feeling
Wheeling, dealing
Losin' what you won
See the dream come undone
Stumble you may with your mentoring
Lucky you got so far
All you owe is apologies
Measure the mystery
And the sound
It's like taking up time
It shows the handiworks we've made
Only a dream away